a much needed boost….

apologies for my recent absence… I’m a bit of a lucky dip at the moment in terms of mood… you see I have been trying to deal with depression for the last 10 years or so, at times things get very ‘dark’ and there are a few bad episodes I’d really rather forget. I thought I was on top of it but I guess I never really will be completely free of it and the last 3 weeks have been particularly hard going (I’ve been on a bit of a downward slope ever since coming home from Colombia to be honest)…. so this morning’s ride at the Frank Parkinson Bates Memorial 10, hosted by the Camel Valley Club, was a much needed boost. I haven’t really been doing much at all on the bike, feeling perpetually drained and not sleeping so after a few rough weeks of just trying to keep going I surprised myself with a pretty good ride this morning… OK I was ‘only’ 4th quickest (team mate Martin took the honours, and a bloody great cup!) but considering how I felt first thing I’m quite happy…. so the potential to ride quickly is still there in my legs it seems. I just need to sort my head out….

so, back to the race… well the forecast was dire with heavy rain and gales but all of that seemed to sweep through quickly in the night leaving almost still conditions and a light drizzly rain which felt quite comfortable once warmed up. That’s about all there is too it actually… it rained, we rode, and we (as in Cyclelogic – Martin, myself, Chris and Jeff) also took the team prize ;o) Only downside… I have an unsealed Sugino BB in my Condor so tomorrow it’ll have to come out for drying off and regreasing. I can’t be bothered this afternoon. The forecast for tomorrow is filthy again so I might actually get some DiY done as well… I have plans to rent my house out in the next few months, but that is a whole other story that will probably come out in due course…

Actually while I’m on… it’s not something I’ve ever talked about, I used to be ashamed of the way I am at times, still am to a small degree I suppose but I know I’m not alone. I’m lucky in that I have a close and supportive family though I feel terrible about the intense worry I’ve caused them during the really bad times. The causes are many and complex and it is history, I’m trying to move on, but I get so frustrated by my seeming inability to manage what is generally perceived as a ‘normal’ life. I’m quite happy to look after myself in dangerous and exciting situations around the world but as soon as I try to lead what is generally expected to be a normal life it all goes wrong… I’m ready to drop it all and f*ck off back to South America again for a year or more but I’m not sure if that is just running away again….ho hum. Apparently the Berber people of North Africa have a saying that everyone is born with a story in their heart, I guess I just haven’t found what mine is yet….
Adios!